SELINA VS PLAYBOY
by phantomoftheopera111
Summary: Story 42. Selina goes out of her way to proove that she is much better than porn. Note: Story comes after "Haunted".


I decided I put up a few more stories. Still bad grammar. This story takes place after the other story "Haunted".

Enjoy!

* * *

SELINA VS. PLAYBOY

* * *

Selina sighed and tossed the remote at Tim, "What do you wanna watch?"

Tim grunted, "Uh…"

Selina sighed, "Where's Bruce?"

"Batcave?"

Selina sighed and got up, "You coming?"

"No," Tim muttered getting up.

"Where are you going then?"

"The bathroom."

Selina smirked, "What are you gonna do in there?"

"Take a piss. I'm not like Dick."

"You're a good kid," Selina smirked.

She walked into the giant library and moved over to the grandfather clock. She opened the glass cover and pressed the hidden button. She stepped back and waited as the door opened. She walked through and down to the Batcave.

Bruce was sitting at the computer, typing away. Selina slinked over and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Bruce jumped and quickly whipped around, "God! Why do you do that?"

"Because I can."

Bruce sighed, "So have you heard from Ivy?"

"Yeah, she said give them a few more days."

"Good lord. What about your cats?"

"I asked Ivy to feed them, she knows the schedule."

"So they aren't gonna be dead?"

"Well I hope not, I love my kitties."

"Yeah…"

"You still don't like pets."

"Only my kitty," Bruce smiled kissing Selina's hand.

"Meow," Selina purred nuzzling Bruce's cheek.

Bruce grinned and pulled Selina in for a kiss.

Selina pulled back, "Where's Dick?"

"He's at work."

"When does he get off?"

"Why are you so inquisitive?"

"Curiosity killed the cat and I like flirting with danger," she looked at Bruce, "And I enjoy flirting with grown men who dress up as bats and kick villain's asses."

Bruce shrugged, "I'm not the one in leather."

"You like the leather."

Bruce pulled Selina in for a kiss.

Tim walked into the Batcave and frowned, "C'mon! There's a kid in here!"

Bruce sighed, "What now Tim?"

"I'm bored."

"Go bug Dick."

"He's at work."

"You need friends."

Tim glared at Bruce and turned back up the stairs, "You better watch your condoms."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" Bruce yelled.

"Nothing," Tim muttered.

Bruce glared at his adopted son, "Where does he learn this crap?"

Selina looked up at the ceiling and said nothing.

Bruce sat back down at the computer and continued typing.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Trying to get out of jury duty."

Selina laughed, "Even Bruce Wayne struggles."

"Stupid jury duty."

"I'm gonna go hang with Tim, have fun with that."

"Yeah. Right. Bye."

Selina walked back up the steps and walked around the manor. She headed up the giant marble staircase and headed to Tim's room.

Tim was lying on his bed reading a magazine.

Selina walked into the room, "Hey kiddo."

Tim looked up, "Hi Selina."

"Looks like you're having fun."

"As always."

"What are you reading?" Selina asked sitting on the ground.

"A book."

"Hmm."

Tim began moving away from Selina.

Selina grabbed the magazine from Tim and looked at it.

Tim bit his lip and sat up.

"Hmm. A topless blonde with huge breasts as a centerfold. Interesting story."

"Don't kill me."

"Where did you get this?"

"Uh…"

"Tim?"

"Bruce…"

Selina exhaled sharply and got up.

"Wait, where are you going with that?"

"Doesn't matter, any more porn?"

Tim shook his head then sighed, he lifted his pillow and handed Selina another magazine.

"Good boy," Selina muttered leaving the room.

Dick was sitting on the couch in the living room reading yet another porn magazine.

Selina cleared her throat loudly.

Dick jumped from the couch and let out a gasp, "What the hell! What are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too."

"Sorry. Hi Selina."

"Hi Dick, is that porn?"

Dick looked at the cover of the magazine, "Is there any point of lying to you?"

"No."

"It was worth a shot," Dick grumbled.

Selina grabbed the magazine and walked to find Bruce. She found him sitting in the other living room reading the newspaper. Selina grabbed the paper and shook it.

"What the hell, Selina!"

"Sorry. I thought there might be a porn magazine in there too."

Bruce bit his lip, "You found the porn?"

Selina crossed her arms and dropped the magazines in Bruce's lap, "I'm gonna guess that this is not even half of them."

Bruce sighed, "Yeah."

"Mmm."

"Are you mad?"

"Yes."

"Please don't be mad. It's a natural guy thing."

Selina grabbed a magazine and flipped it open to the centerfold of Dick's magazine, which had a full bodied naked woman, "Natural guy thing?"

Bruce swallowed, "Yeah…"

Dick and Tim walked into the living room and peered around the corner making sure that their legal guardian was still alive and wasn't neutered yet.

Selina whipped around, "Get in here."

Dick and Tim hung their heads and sulked into the living room and took a seat next to Bruce.

"When did you get here?" Bruce asked Dick.

"A few minutes ago."

"Thanks for alerting me you were gonna drop by."

"Hey, I figured I'm family and it was ok."

"Right."

Selina crossed her arms, "Boys?"

The guys stopped talking and looked at Selina.

Selina glared at Bruce, "This is disgusting. How could you let Tim look at this? I understand Dick, but Tim? Porn is horrible! Why would you really demote yourself to pictures?"

"Where am I supposed to find it?" Tim asked.

"Get a girlfriend," Dick mumbled.

Selina growled, "Bruce, I can't believe you."

"Selina, it's ok. It's a normal thing. All boys do it."

Selina glared at Bruce and he said nothing and looked at the ground.

"You know that the real thing is much better."

"I'll say!" Dick chirped.

Selina stared at him. Dick moved his gaze at the spot on the floor that Bruce was intently staring at.

Tim crossed his arms, "Prove it."

"Prove what?" Selina asked.

"That the real thing is better."

"TIM!" Bruce snarled.

"Well, I don't know!"

"Tim, you are so lame," Dick snickered.

"Shut up, Dick."

Dick laughed, "Yeah, Selina, prove it. We want the proof."

Bruce glared at Dick, "Knock it off."

Selina crossed her arms, "I might have to. Will it stop this porn crap?"

"Possibly," Tim smiled.

Dick shrugged, "Can't make any promises."

"You know, you could just go ask Barbara to take off her clothes for you," Selina muttered.

"It's not that easy," Dick grumbled, "I have to get her off the damn computer, then I have to massage her back, then I have to convince her to take off her clothes before I get anything."

Bruce stared at Dick.

"What?" Dick asked.

Bruce shook his head.

Dick sighed, "Just show us some cleavage or leg."

Bruce smacked Dick with his newspaper, "You know, she's still my girlfriend."

"Oh… right."

Tim sighed, "Still waiting, Selina."

Selina glared at Tim, "Listen you little pervert I will take off my clothes around four people."

"Who?" Bruce asked.

"You, Ivy, Harley, and Harvey."

"Wait, what?"

"We've been friends for a very long time. He's like my brother."

Bruce moped.

"Cheer up, Brucie."

"Can we go?" Dick asked.

Selina looked at him, "Why?"

"I'm just asking if you are done lecturing us."

Selina glared at him.

* * *

Dick yawned and pushed Tim off the couch.

Tim growled, "Move your ass, Dick."

"Watch your mouth Tim," Selina grumbled from the other couch.

"When is Bruce getting home?" Tim sighed.

Dick shrugged, "Dunno."

"Thanks for the help, Dick."

Dick glared at Tim and turned his head back to the TV.

"I'm bored," Tim groaned.

"That's your problem."

"Are you we going out on patrol tonight?"

"Dunno."

Tim glared, "You fail as a brother."

"I'm not trying right now. Have a lot on my mind."

"Oh yeah? Like what."

"Babs, Blüdhaven, Selina taking away my porn, these shitty cartoons."

"They aren't shitty. Those porn channels you watch at night are shitty."

Selina looked up, "Tim, don't turn into Dick."

Dick sighed, "I'm a guy. I get bored."

"I'm so bored," Tim cried.

Dick turned to Selina who was sprawled over the couch, "Where did Bruce go again?"

"Late night meeting with Lucius," Selina mumbled.

Dick grunted and looked at the ceiling.

Tim yawned, "Let's go fight some crime."

"Without Bruce?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah… great idea kid."

"What?" Tim asked.

Dick sighed, "I'm not your legal guardian, so if I take you around Gotham and you die I'll be in some deep shit."

"I think I know where Tim gets his language," Selina replied.

"C'mon, Dick! You're being a dick!"

Dick snickered, "That's funny."

"Are you high or something?"

"What? No, I don't do drugs. Drugs are for thugs."

Selina laughed, "Bruce brought you boys up pretty well."

Dick nodded, "Yeah, he did, but he's not always the best dad."

"What do you mean?"

"He missed my high school graduation," Dick sighed.

"He forgot my 9th birthday," Tim added.

"He is really late to anything if it's later than 9:00."

"He forgot my 10th birthday."

"He forgot to pack a suitcase last time we went on a family vacation."

"He forgot my 11th birthday."

"He missed my police academy graduation."

"He forgot it was his birthday."

Selina laughed, "He has some problems."

"Some?" Dick asked.

"Many."

Tim was pouting, "He sucks as a dad."

Dick patted Tim's back, "Its ok."

"Has he ever forgotten one of your birthdays?" Tim asked Selina.

Selina shook her head, "No."

"See if he gets a birthday present from me this year," Tim grumbled.

Dick sighed, "Selina, you wanna be our escort for tonight?"

"Sure, should we tell Bruce?"

"Tell Bruce what?" Bruce asked walking into the living room, "Did Dick do something stupid?"

Dick sighed, "Do I always get blamed?"

"Well was it Tim who jumped off the banister with a bed sheet trying to be a pilot jumping from an abandoned plane and ended up breaking his arm because his grip slipped from the sheet?"

"No."

"Was it Alfred who jumped from the roof of this four story house into the pool and broke his legs because he had timed the landed incorrectly?"

"Um, no."

"Did I drive my motorcycle up the stairs and jump off of it backwards trying to back flip down the stairs and land into a perfect stance, having my motorcycle roll down the stairs crushing me at the bottom and breaking two of my ribs?"

"…no."

Bruce crossed his arms, "My point has been made."

Tim laughed, "Dude, you rock!"

Dick groaned and sat back.

* * *

Nightwing looked off the roof and searched along the dark alley.

Robin leapt over and landed next to him, "Anything?"

"Nope."

"Where's Batman and his buddy?"

"His buddy?" Nightwing asked cocking his head.

"His kitty cat."

"Oh, they're over in North Gotham looking around."

Robin smirked and sat down, "Betcha I know what they're doing."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I found out what they do together."

"What's that?"

"They do that…" Robin crawled closer to Nightwing, "They have sex."

"Um… Rob, sorry to burst your bubble, but everyone kinda knew that."

"Nuh uh!"

"Yeah huh."

Robin frowned, "I thought I had a secret."

"Sorry, bro, you got nothing."

"Damn it."

"Do you know what me and Babs do?" Nightwing grinned.

"Don't you guys plan for things in Gotham, eat Chinese food, and give each other back massages?" Robin asked, scared for the answer.

"You really are naïve."

"No I'm not."

"Take another guess."

"Oh God… you guys have sex too?"

"Bingo."

"Ugh!" Robin winced in disgust, "That's so gross!"

"Yep."

"But isn't she paralyzed?"

"Yeah, so?"

"How do you do it?"

"You are a sick little man," Nightwing laughed jumping off the roof onto the next.

Robin jumped after him, "Can you be serious?"

"I'm always serious," Nightwing responded mocking Batman.

"What is sex like?"

Nightwing laughed harder and jumped onto the next roof, "Oracle you there?"

"Mhmm," Oracle responded pulling her hair up into a ponytail.

"You listening to this?"

"I always am."

"Yeah. Sometimes I forgot you are a stalker."

"Keep that up Former Boy Wonder and you'll be sleeping on the futon again."

Robin laughed, "You got burned."

Nightwing growled and pushed him off the slanted roof.

Robin let out a yelp and shot his grappling gun at the chimney and jumped back up, "I hate you!"

"No you don't, you are just angry you've never slept with a girl."

Robin ran to push Nightwing off the roof; Nightwing stepped out of the way, causing Robin to fall off the roof.

Nightwing laughed, "You need more training."

Robin jumped back up on the roof, "I hate you and I'm leaving."

"Where are you going?"

"Oracle any trouble tonight?"

Oracle searched the map of Gotham, "Looks ok. Huntress has the west area under control and the rest looks pretty quiet."

"Where is Bats and Kitty Cat?" Nightwing asked.

"They've turned off their radars."

Nightwing sighed, "Great. They probably did go home and are doing naughty things Robin likes to think about."

Robin punched Nightwing in the arm.

"I'm going home then," Nightwing muttered, "Babs you need company tonight?"

"Nope. Go ahead on home."

Nightwing pouted and jumped to the next roof.

Robin jumped after him, "You got told."

Nightwing shoved him off the roof again, "Race ya home."

Robin shot back up and used his grappling hook to jump over the next two houses, "Let's go, grandma!"

Nightwing grunted and ran after Robin.

* * *

Bruce leaned against the side of the hot tub and sighed, "I love you."

Selina shook her hair and the bubbles splashed on the walls and onto Bruce, she moved closer to Bruce and rested her hand on his chest, "And I love you."

Bruce sighed and rolled his head back to look up at the ceiling. There was a large water stain on the ceiling, "Goddamn it."

"What?"

"How much you wanna bet that that water stain is from Dick?"

Selina laughed, "Go easy on him, he's a good kid."

"Yeah whatever."

Selina kissed Bruce on the lips, "You are a horrible parent."

"Hey, I'm not that bad," Bruce whined.

"Oh please, you sent Dick and Tim out of the manor so we can do what we do best."

"Next to crime fighting?"

"Of course."

Bruce pulled Selina closer to him; Selina licked Bruce's upper lip. She wrapped her arms around Bruce's neck.

"Wanna go for another?" Selina purred running her fingers through Bruce's chest hair.

Bruce laughed, "We just did."

Selina pouted, "Don't you love me?"

Bruce sighed and closed his eyes, "Yes, but I am tired."

Selina frowned, "You are horrible."

Bruce sighed and kissed Selina, "I love you."

Selina crossed her arms and pulled away.

Bruce laughed, "C'mere you."

Selina sighed and moved to Bruce, "Meow."

Dick pushed open the door, "BRUCE!"

Bruce and Selina jumped and gasped, Selina wrapped her arms around her chest to cover herself. Bruce sunk down into the water, covering himself with the bubbles.

Dick snarled and walked over to them, "Where were you!"

"We wanted some time alone," Bruce growled.

"That's not fair."

"You're being a sore loser," Tim chirped from the doorway.

"Tim get outta here!" Bruce glared.

Tim crept away.

Bruce turned back to Dick, "You get outta here too."

Dick threw his hands up in frustration, "God!"

Dick stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

Bruce looked at Selina, "Sorry."

"That's ok," Selina sighed lowering her arms.

Bruce sighed and looked at the time, "Should we go to bed?"

Selina looked at the clock, "12:38 is kind of late."

Bruce got out of the hot tub and grabbed a towel he handed it to Selina. She wrapped it around her chest and smiled at Bruce.

"What?" Bruce grinned.

"Nothing," Selina smiled.

Bruce kissed Selina and they walked upstairs.

* * *

Bruce kissed Selina's shoulder, "You gonna get up?"

"Muffuuhh," Selina grumbled into her pillow.

"What?"

"No…"

"Alright, Alfred is making breakfast, come on down when you're ready to eat."

Selina buried her head back into the pillow.

Bruce walked down the hallway and passed by Tim's room. He pushed open the door and looked at the empty bed. Bruce scanned the room and felt a rush of panic. He ran down the hallway into the spare bedroom. He sighed.

On the ground Tim and Dick were both sleeping in their sleeping bags. Tim had the Wii crushed to his chest. There had obviously been some struggle during the night over the Wii console and Tim had been victorious. Dick had popcorn smothered in his hair and all over his sleeping bag.

Bruce shook his head and leaned down next to Dick, "Hey kid, wanna make a few bucks?"

"No… I don't like raaaaape," Dick murmured.

"Tell ya what you can do."

"No raaaaape!" Dick growled jumping up and smacking Bruce in the face. Dick woke up and inhaled sharply, "Oh God! I'm sorry Bruce!"

Bruce rubbed his jaw, "Its ok. Wake Tim up. We're having breakfast soon."

Dick leaned over to Tim, "I'm gonna rape you."

"No! Naked ladies want to touch me."

Bruce looked at Dick, "What the hell!"

"He told me about some of his nightmares."

"A naked woman?"

"Mhmm."

"Interesting."

Tim jumped up, "Oh God! She was after me agai- hey Bruce."

"Hey kid, Alfred's making breakfast, want to eat?"

Tim groaned, "I feel sick."

"What did you boys do last night?"

"We watched a movie, then we ate some junk food, then we made a fort, then we were playing the Wii and Tim was cheating," Dick grumbled.

"I did not cheat!" Tim insisted.

"Bullshit."

"Watch you language Dick," Bruce growled.

"Anyways," Dick muttered, "He unplugged the Wii because he was being a sore looser and we were running around the room, throwing crap at each other."

"I'm surprised you didn't hear us," Tim added.

"Their love making was too loud," Dick grinned.

Bruce swatted Dick upside the head.

"Ow Bruce!"

Bruce growled at him, "Downstairs now. Then after breakfast you will be leaving back to Blüdhaven."

Dick frowned, "But it's the weekend, I wanted to hang with you."

Tim pouted, "Please?"

Bruce growled, "For now you can stay, just to get Tim off my back."

Tim and Dick both cheered.

"Downstairs."

"Yes sir!" Dick grinned saluting Bruce.

Bruce walked down the stairs, "Alfred?"

"Yes Master Bruce?" Alfred called from the kitchen.

"Need any help?"

"No sir."

"You sure, I've got two healthy boys upstairs who would love to help."

Alfred smiled, "I am quite fine Master Bruce."

"Alright. Fine," Bruce grumbled sitting down at the head of the table.

Alfred walked out of the kitchen, "Shall the rest of your family be joining us?"

"Ye-"

Bruce was interrupted by a loud crash from the foyer.

"Son of a bitch," Bruce muttered getting up.

He walked into the foyer and looked at Dick who was crashed against the door and Tim who was lying on the floor against the stairs.

"That was awesome," Tim laughed.

Dick got up and laughed, "It was awesome."

Tim got up and looked at Bruce, "Oh shit."

Dick looked over, "Shit."

Bruce looked at his adopted sons, "Table now."

Bruce turned back to the dining room and walked off.

Dick bit his lip and looked at Tim. Tim helped Dick up and they followed after Bruce. Both of the boys knew that the silent treatment was the absolute worst punishment from Bruce.

Dick sat down as far away from Bruce as he could, Tim sat next to him.

Bruce crossed his arms and sat back, "Alfred how much longer until breakfast?"

"A few minutes Master Bruce."

"Very good Alfred," Bruce turned back to Dick and Tim.

Tim sunk down in his seat.

"Now boys, what happened?"

"Um… We wanted to see who could get down the steps faster, so we both rode the railing to see who would get down faster," Dick mumbled.

Bruce looked at his sons, "Alright."

"Alright?" Tim asked.

"Alright."

Dick looked at Tim.

"Dick, you will be going back to Blüdhaven after this."

"Aw come on Bruce!" Tim whined.

"No I can't handle two boys in the same house."

Tim and Dick both pouted.

Bruce shook his head, "No."

"C'mon Bruce," Dick moped.

Bruce sighed, "You guys need to stop eating sugar, number one: it's bad for you, number two: it keeps you up, three: it's bad for your system, four: it gives me headaches."

Dick sighed, "You whine too much."

"Knock it off Dick; you'll get us in trouble again."

Dick grumbled and sat back in his seat.

Bruce laced his fingers together and leaned to his sons, "Alright, I'm gonna let you stay for the weekend Dick."

Dick grinned, "I'm gonna hug you dad."

"Don't touch me."

"That's right, I'm the only one who gets to touch Bruce," a voice interrupted the family conversation.

The three guys turned around and saw Selina leaned against the doorframe.

All three mouths dropped open; Selina was wearing a tight black push-up bra with purple lace and matching panties. She had black stockings attached to her panties by garters. On the sides of her panties and the front of her bra were purple bows.

Selina smiled, "You like?"

Dick gaped at Selina, "Oh… my… God…"

Tim's eyelid began twitching.

Bruce blinked rapidly and he looked at Selina's lingerie.

Selina cocked her head, "Hmm?"

Bruce tried to speak but found his throat was dry; he cleared his throat and took a drink of water, "Wow Selina… never seen that outfit before."

"I bought it incase I might need it."

Dick casually crossed his legs and then in one motion he swept his napkin off the table and into his lap.

Tim looked at Dick with a confused look on his face. Dick looked at Tim and looked back to Selina.

"Are you ok Dick?" Selina asked in a sexy voice.

"Um… s-sure."

Bruce looked at him, "I swear to God if I have to go get an ice pack or a can of pop I will strangle you. I'm sure Barbara wouldn't be too happy to hear this either."

Dick rubbed his neck, "Heh…"

Selina shook her hair and walked over to kiss Bruce on the forehead, "So now boys, is there something you would like to tell me?"

"Selina," Dick swallowed, "You are much more beautiful than the porn magazines, now if you'll excuse me I have to go to the bathroom. The upstairs bathroom."

Bruce groaned and buried his head into one of his hands.

Dick got up from the table, with the napkin still placed perfectly, and ran up the stairs to the bathroom.

Tim cleared his throat, "Selina, you have much better looking boobs than the centerfold girl in last month's issue of Playboy."

Selina nodded unsure if it was a compliment, "Ok, Bruce?"

"Gorgeous, you know I love you more than any other Playboy model."

Selina smiled, "Good boy."

"What's wrong with Dick?" Tim asked looking at Selina's chest.

"Eyes are up here kiddo," Selina purred.

Bruce sighed, "You'll find out later."

"Bruce?" Selina asked.

"What?"

"Have you had the talk with Tim?"

"I know how babies are made," Tim interrupted with an eye roll.

"No, I mean "the talk"."

"What do you mean?" Bruce asked.

"Like the boy talk."

"Um… not really."

Selina sighed, "Tim you and me are gonna have a talk later, unless your father wants to assume his fathering abilities."

"I'm good," Bruce swallowed.

Alfred walked into the dining room, "Breakfast is ready Master B-b-b…"

Selina bit her lip and tried to cover herself.

Alfred dropped the plate he was holding; the group watched them crash to the floor. Alfred looked at the plates, "Excuse me Miss Selina, Masters Bruce and Timothy."

Selina giggled and watched Alfred leave the room, "What about breakfast."

"Are you gonna eat like that?" Tim asked moving his eyes to Selina's thighs.

"Clean thoughts Tim," Bruce growled.

Tim bit his lip, "Right."

FIN


End file.
